me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
