11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
