just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
