sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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