Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
