what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
