if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
