Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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