He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
