God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
