I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
