so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she pinky promised me she was 18
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
