I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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