The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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