I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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