If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
