Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
