I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
