gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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