How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Randomize
