This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
