A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
