now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
