my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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