My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
