just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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