you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
