i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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