omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
