he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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