Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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