haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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