They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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