you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
