bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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