i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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