I'm gonna have a badass scar
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
