I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
