either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
