ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
