I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
