Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
