i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
