You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
