i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
