not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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