Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
two words...techno handjob
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
