K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
