I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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