I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
