What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
